My rejected Ignite Boulder 18 talk
I’m a bit of an Ignite junkie. 20 slides automatically advancing every 15 seconds makes for a furious 5 minute talk in front of a boatload of people. I’ve done 5 presentations over the last 2 years, and recently submitted a talk for the upcoming Ignite Boulder in May.
My talk, however, was rejected! While I gave the organizers (many of whom are friends of mine) tons of shit about it, I understand that you don’t always get everything you want. That being said, I’m still pretty pissed off. I have a proven track record of presenting both entertaining and informative talks, and I’m a “Top 5 heckler put-downer”, as voted on by Cosmopolitan Magazine*.
So even though I’m annoyed by the rejection, I have a plan in place to present it anyway – in my own unique way. So suck it, Ignite Boulder! Just kidding, you guys are my pals, and you still run the best Ignite I’ve ever been to.
Here is my submission that was shot down:
I talked at Ignite Fort Collins in 2010 about “How Not To Drive Like A Douche In The Mountains”. My talk was well received, and contained loads of pertinent information about how not to drive like a douche in the mountains.
However, two years after the presentation was presented, I haven’t seen a noticeable improvement in how people are driving up in the mountains. So here comes volume 2 of “How Not To Drive Like A Douche In The Mountains”!
I love to spend time in the mountains, but also loathe the drive up there when there are douches driving all around me. I will be presenting tips for every driver to improve their alpine automotive skills. The goal of driving is to arrive at your destination in one piece.
Trust me, I know that you all have been looking for answers to your deepest, darkest mountain driving questions. Here are some questions I’ll attempt to address in my five-minute chat with you:
“When is it a good idea to stay in the left lane, impeding a long line of faster cars behind me?”
“I sold my spare tire to a dispensary for a quarter of a strain called ‘Hawaiian Home-Wrecking Cranial Sledgehammer Maui McWowee’. I probably won’t need it in the mountains, right?”
“My tires are basically completely bald, but I’ll probably hold out and get tires in the Spring. Otherwise how can I afford to get a ski pass?”
“Is it true that Summit County stinks like broke hippies who like listening to Dub Step?” (quick answer: pretty much)
“What are some acceptable & friendly gestures to use for our friends driving out to the Rocky Mountains from Nebraska, Oklahoma, Texas, & Massachusetts?”
“Does 4-Wheel-Drive mean I can go twice as fast as people with 2-Wheel-Drive?”
Seriously, this is pretty much going to be the most informative Ignite Boulder presentation that can ever possibly exist, and you’ll leave with some serious knowledge about how to be a better mountain driver. It’s much harder than it looks (and I’m tired of all of you people trying to crash into me all the time).
* There was never, nor will there ever be a vote like that in Cosmo. I did win Hottest Ignite Presenter, though.